d66 Horrible Holiday Helpers

The flip-side to your game's Santa Claus/Winter Demiurge/Hogfather proxy.

If you like this, you may also enjoy A Short Bestiary of "The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus" by L. Frank Baum.

Make sure to scroll down for 20 minor magical holiday gifts.

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Every horrible holiday helper has a switch of twigs and a large vessel on their back.

HD 4 AC as chain Twig Switch 1d6

Move As human Int clever Morale high

Wants gleefully punish the naughty, grudgingly help the good

Naughty or Nice: A helper has advantage on all attacks and checks against evil targets, and disadvantage on all attacks and checks against good targets.

Steal Away: The helper makes an attack with their free hand. The helper can make an attack with their switch and steal away in the same round.

If the helper hits, they deal no damage, but the target is grabbed. If they win a grapple next round, they'll shove anyone grabbed into the vessel.

Anyone in the vessel takes d6 non-lethal damage at the start of their turn. They can attempt a grapple to escape.

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General appearance

1. Hairy, hoofed, and horned, with a long, lashing tongue. Capers and leaps.
2. White-haired old man in musty, dark furs. Not clear if he's smiling or just showing you his teeth.
3. Bent but spry old woman with bells or onions tied to her robes. Might have an iron nose.
4. Gnarled, furry form with an apish face which possesses unnatural strength for its size. Stares.
5. Old clothes stuffed with straw and twigs, and a wooden mask for a face. Mute.
6. Hulking young man with stringy hair and an air of troll about him. Might have a tufted swishing tail.

Their switch is

1. Full of soot - a struck target must save or be blinded for a round.
2. Extremely long - reach as a whip.
3. Actually iron chains - d12 damage.
4. Able to be ridden like a broomstick - the helper gains a fast fly speed, but it takes them an action to mount or dismount.
5. Actually a flogging whip - a struck target must save or be stunned in pain for a round.
6. Embellished - There's a magical toy dangling from the grip. The helper might use it, or it might be claimed.

Their vessel is

1. A leather sack - There's treats in here? Anyone who escapes does so with a magical gift.
2. An iron cage - Add armor as shield to the helper, and attempts to escape have disadvantage.
3. A wooden coffin - Add armor as shield to the helper, the inside is dark, and nobody else can see or target them.
4. A huge wicker basket - It can hold up to three victims.
5. An iron cauldron - stuffed with narcotic herbs and old bones. Non-lethal damage increases to d12 per round.
6. A helper's helper - miniature version of the helper riding on their shoulders. Mimics their actions but can't speak. Might hop off to spy or run errands. Stats as a goblin except when maintaining a grapple.

Someone captured in the vessel will be

1. Dumped out and scolded when the helper is not under threat.
2. Left to wake up in an embarrassing state in a very public place the next morning.
3. Carried off to the wilderness but returned unharmed at the start of the next year.
4. Carried off to the wilderness and abandoned without their gear.
5. Carried off to the wilderness to be eaten sometime in the next week.
6. Pulled out and devoured as soon as the helper is not under threat.

Surprise! This helper...

1. Can fold and flatten to slip through cracks under doors or down chimneys.
2. Can mimic voices and animal sounds - Save to discern the trick.
3. Has terrible claws - It deals 1d4 damage when stealing away.
4. Is voracious - A missed steal away attack still grabs d4 rations, which are immediately devoured.
5. Can roar or shriek - Creatures in a 20' radius must save or be deafened. Might call other helpers.
6. Has a sickle - Can eviscerate the unconscious for 3d6 damage.

For the Nice, this helper might

1. Throw big handfuls of candy and nuts.
2. Clean the house or barn.
3. Offer a magical gift.
4. Bring good luck for a year.
5. Point the way to a lost buried treasure.
6. Pay a visit to someone naughty they name.

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Bonus: Horrible Holiday Helper's Magical Gifts

1. Wooden toy sword. It can turn into a real sword or back with a command.
2. Silver star ornament. It can be used once to cast detect evil, turning tarnished and cracked if detected.
3. Pine cone tied in ribbons. Or maybe intestines? If planted, it will grow to a 5' wide and 10' tall tree in 1 minute.
4. Cuddly stuffed bear. Grants +1 to saving throws made while asleep.
5. Brand new pair of socks that stay brand new. An infuriatingly practical gift.
6. Evergreen bough brooch. Smells lovely. Re-roll a failed stealth check in the woods once per night.
7. Glass globe ornament, full of ever-swirling snow. If shattered it forms an obscuring cloud until it blows away or melts. Quite pretty until then.
8. Icicle that doesn't melt. The best drink-stirrer you'll ever own.
9. Painted toy soldier. Can be used once to cast disguise self, but only as a soldier or guard.
10. Miniature book of yuletide folk songs. Surprisingly saucy. Can cast vicious mockery once per day.
11. Spinning hand drum. Can be set on its end to spin by itself indefinitely, providing a steady back-beat, or distraction.
12. Tiny tin horn. Shrill and irritating tone will wake deep sleepers, including those under magical sleep as if they were being shaken.
13. Mechanical wren. Wind it up and it hops and bobs and pecks about. Can be offered as a sacrificial material component for any spell up to 3rd level.
14. Shiny paper cracker. Ask a question and pull it open with a pop. Inside are some candies, a paper hat, and a fortune which answers the question per augury.
15. Brass collar bell. Beautifully polished, rings rich and resonant. Gift it to a domestic animal for advantage on animal handling checks with it.
16. Wooden toy horse. Gain an extra inventory slot while you carry this in your pocket.
17. Porcelain doll. Well crafted but off-putting. Can be used to cast message, but it's passed through the doll, who has very strong opinions on naughty and nice.
18. Soft undyed woolen scarf. It can be unraveled (once) into a whole living lamb, which takes 1 minute. Congratulations, you now have a lamb.
19. Braid of living mistletoe. Never wilts or drops berries. Suitable as a druidic focus, and also works as a shield when used this way.
20. Fragrant candle. Pine and spices. If lit as an additional material component for a protection from evil or similar warding spell up to 3rd level, the spell will last as long as the candle burns (up to an hour).

6 Encounters Without Any Birds

It is well and widely known that owls are false birds from the moon. Perhaps, though, you are looking to run an encounter, defined by its complete absence of birds in another fashion? Here are some other ideas for things that are not birds.

Snot Crow

Apparently named by the same kind of mind responsible for the sea horse. It's black, it's flying, it's making... sounds. Must be some kind of crow.

A chimera of gas sacs, vents, and feathery limbs keeps this reeking ball of slime and fungus afloat. It has an uncanny sense for movement far below it and drips adhesive slime onto its prey, followed by a plunge which reveals its killing root-beak.

HD 1+1 AC as leather (rubbery, uncertain anatomy) Drop 1d8 (only usable from above)
Move Fly clumsy Int mindless Morale fearless
Wants absorb nutrients

Glop: Only usable from above. One target must save or be slowed.

Pop: When a snot crow dies, living creatures near or under it must test Morale as they're showered in stinking black goo.

Anti-Simurgh

When the Simurgh, The Lord of Birds, manifests, drawing towards and into itself all birds in the region, by necessity a vacuum of bird is created elsewhere. Though natural forces quickly move to fill this void with more bird, cagey wizards have been known to sometimes capture it in enchanted cages (hence their name).

A caged Anti-Simurgh is more of a force than a creature, though it may be mistaken for the latter the way it flickers and flutters against the lead and orichalcum bars. If released, it will dart unerringly towards the nearest bird and cancel it, resulting in an explosion that deals d6 damage per HD of the former bird in a radius 10 times the bird's former size.

Scab Finches

The name is possibly a corruption of "scab filchers". Or they were named by the same person responsible for the snot crow.

Actually a kind of green beetle, or dusky wasp, it's a little unclear. Definitely not a bird, though, too many legs. They flit in to steal the scabs off living creatures' wounds to build into their nests of bark and paper. Some druids swear this material makes for superior scrolls of blood and tree magic.

HD 2 AC as unarmored Peel 1d6 (damaged creatures only)
Move Fly normal Int mindless Morale high
Wants steal scabs

Swarm: Minimum damage from direct attacks, maximum damage from area attacks. Can attack everyone in its space and squeeze through tiny cracks.

A Chair

Wise sphinxes know many riddles. Terrible sphinxes fake it with obstinance and may insist the solution to "what is not a bird" is "a chair", for example.

They're not wrong. This encounter is a chair, and it is distinctly not a bird. Is it also anything other than a chair, though?

1. No.
2. Bears fine engravings of The Final Mole. Worth 10x a normal chair.
3. Can levitate once a day for 5 minutes when commanded by someone sitting in it. (This is levitating, not flying, so it's not like something a bird would do.)
4. Collapses when it hears a certain note. Can be reassembled in 10 minutes. (This effect is artifice, not magic.)
5. A secret compartment under the cushion. Well-hidden, and locked with a small key. Currently holds several stale biscuits, half a flask of brandy, and a candle snuffer.
6. Hmmm. This chair might actually be a bird after all? There's something fatuous and unsettling about it. If wielded as a club it deals an extra die of damage to sphinxes and other extremely logical creatures.

The Bee of the Bird of the Moth

Oh no.

This encounter is at the center of a series of underwater caves. Unsettling, unseen waves permeate the place, and despite its location it is patrolled by intelligent, noxious snakes riding horses.

The Bee of the Bird of the Moth is a colossal hummingbird moth. It could be misconstrued as a bird, except that bird would be a bee. It feeds on the strange radiation of these caverns, growing, amassing its forces of horses (and snakes), and preparing to conquer the overworld with its hypnotic powers in search of sweet, sweet nectars.

The Bee of the Bird of the Moth

HD 8 AC as chain (flits, can't be believed) hypnotizing tractor beam see below
Move Fly fast Int as human Morale brave
Wants dominance, nectar

Dread hypnotic flying: When The Bee of the Bird of the Moth flies overhead, living creatures must test Morale or cry and scramble away.

Hypnotizing tractor beam: Emitted from between the antenna. Anyone struck by this beam is subject to any of the following effects of The Bee of the Bird of the Moth's choice:

• Hypnotize: Target must save or spend their next turn gazing in reverence.
• Pull: Slowly moves the target up to 30' closer towards The Bee of the Bird of the Moth.
• Fling: Quickly moves the target 30' behind The Bee of the Bird of the Moth. If it strikes a hard surface (including the ground) it takes 1d10 damage.

Deforming in the swarming: If three or more of the The Bee of the Bird of the Moth's mounted snake minions charge while they can see it, anyone they strike must save or get a random mutation.

Snakes

As large poisonous snakes, but their venom is laced with protozoa. This odd poison resists treatment (neutralize poison and the like grant another save instead of removing the effect outright).

They can also straighten themselves out to act as their own lances during a charge.

Horses

As horses, but morale brave when serving The Bee of the Bird of the Moth. Loyal steeds of the protozoic snakes.

The Final Mole

In some faiths, infants are delivered to their waiting parents by a stork. Less spoken of is the thing that waits at the end of their lives, coming up from below to take what was brought from above: The Final Mole.

HD 3 AC as plate (mostly underground) claws 2d6
Move burrow normal Int clever Morale fearless
Wants death, grubs

Tireless: The Final Mole does not need to sleep, eat, or rest.

Snuffle: The Final Mole can unerringly track any of the stork-born, and burrow across planes to find them at the end of their lives. But it cannot fly.

Mounting: If the The Final Mole is defeated, it crumbles to dirt and worm castings. The next dusk it reforms somewhere within six miles or so with another hit die and begins its mortal snuffle anew.

Books Completed December 2024

Kind of a short stack this month. I put a lot of effort into Christmas this year, and then fell down the Hades 2 hole. But I received over 30 books as gifts, so expect to have larger stacks in the coming months.

Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut - I found a collection of Vonnegut books in a little free library, and asked my dad if he had any interest in them. He's not much of a fiction reader, but is sometimes interested in books from years ago he hasn't read in a long time, or such things by similar authors, and he took up my offer. He started with Cat's Cradle, so I grabbed my copy for the novelty of reading a book at the same time as him. Once he got past the invented words he really enjoyed it. I still do too, for the most part - I think I read it for the first time in high school in the 90s, and I was surprised to notice how many little individual bits were still rattling around in my brain.

Hogfather, by Terry Pratchett - I read it every December. Total comfort read, which was nice, because there was some sickness in the house while I was reading it.

How to be a Praying Mom, by Jeannie St. John Taylor - Another little free library find. After finishing this, I remain a childless atheist, so instructions unclear. I did learn that some people apparently refer to God as "Abba Daddy" which... yikes.

Gunslinger, by Night Owl Workshop - A Kickstarter I forgot about and arrived as a present for me from me. Thanks, me! Our current D&D game is using a lot of Western tropes, and I followed the main author/designer's blog, and decided to back this project once he mentioned he was doing illustrations for every entry in the bestiary, and I love a bestiary. The game itself is a serviceable OSR hack. The tables look pilferable. I would have liked to see some of the weirdness fleshed out a little more, and I think it could have used a sensitivity read for something set in largely historical Texas. Overall it's a nice addition to my growing Weird West RPG collection.